This is what I've found myself asking myself more than anything else this past weekend. It's been very very bittersweet. I know that I am not at all prepared for all of the emotions that I am going to face over there because this weekend was just a taste and it was rough.
I planned my weekend around saying goodbye to all my friends. I had to say goodbye to some friends earlier in the week or the weekend before (I had to say goodbye to some of my friends before I even left for Washington) but because I still had a week to go it wasn't as emotional. (Also, this weekend I was PMSing which could not have come at a worse time!). I balled on Friday because it finally sunk in that I was not going to see my family for a year and we were all out on a little family outing and I just couldn't really handle the emotions on top of all the stress I had that week. On Saturday, I walked around and went to the BMA with my friend Madeline, who I've been friends with since 6th grade. It was crazy to think about how long we have been friends because it only feels like its been a year or two, and the way time moves so fast is actually kind of scary. But, thinking about the way time flies also made me realize that a year isn't forever, and that it'll feel like it was nothing once the year is over. After I said goodbye to her I went to my friend Jo's going away party and had to say goodbye to all of the people there. I love my group of Baltimore friends so much and so leaving the party was really emotional. I cried on the way home after thinking about how, even if I wasn't super close with everyone there, not seeing that group for a year was going to feel strange, and how when I got back, they will have all been through a lot together while Jo and I were gone.
The next day I hung out with Ellsie for the first time since she got back from Switzerland and learned all of the details about her sudden departure. Basically, she had issues with her family and their views. She was offended by a lot of their comments and their beliefs, and they weren't super accommodating to her. The people at her school often made comments about her clothes and her body and because her German wasn't at the level where she could actually participate in class, many teachers just kicked her out and sent her to the library. After talking with the school (which didn't do anything about it) she asked AFS if she could switch to a different school in the town. The program told her that the school was full and so she asked if she could switch regions and families. The program told her that they could not find another family to host and advised that if she was still this unhappy after three weeks there that she should probably just go home. Although I know this was a horrible experience and I was so sorry that that had happened to her (because I know she was just as excited to go to Switzerland as I was to go to Germany), hearing her details actually gave me a little bit of relief. I thought I had vastly underestimated the difficulty of studying abroad and that Ellsie had simply decided to leave because being away from her family and friends was so hard. However, I know now that what was happening was an extreme case, and that I don't think it will happen while I am in Germany. Of course, I'm sure the same situation might happen with my school and my host family and I might not get along super well, but I'm pretty sure that since it is a state funded scholarship, the program is going to have to find me a new host family, and that going home won't be as much of an option. Also, I'm sure that from the conversations I've had with my family, our views seem pretty similar, and I don't think we'll have many disagreements on social/political issues the way that Ellsie did.
After getting breakfast with Ellsie and Jo, I went out with my family for our last meal together. Since my dad had a meeting on Tuesday, he wouldn't be able to come get brunch or drop me off in DC, and this way my brother was also included. We went to a restaurant called Golden West Cafe which had absolutely delicious food! I had a southwestern burrito and some pumpkin curry soup. We had a really nice brunch and I was able to window shop with my mom a little bit while we waited for a space to open up at the restaurant. Then, that night, I had my last going away dinner with my closest friends. Jo, since she is also going to Germany, spent the night with her family, and Kara was unable to get a ride so it was just Lily and Paul. It was actually really nice though because Lily, Paul, and I have been friends since 8th grade and so it was nice to reconnect as just our little trio. We went to Chipotle for dinner and then got some ice cream before going to the top of this apartment building that I often like to watch sunsets from. It was way past sunset but we were still able to see the Baltimore skyline all lit up and some other people on the roof took some pictures of all of us together. When I had to say goodbye it was really rough. These were my two of my closest friends who I was used to seeing every single day. After I said goodbye to them both I went back inside and sat with my mom. I almost started crying about how much I was going to miss Paul and Lily but I was able to keep it in. Although I was feeling all of these crazy emotions I tried to hold them in or ignore them as much as possible. I felt like if I actually tried to comprehend all of the emotions I was feeling it would not turn out well because I was feeling super super sad about leaving. Even though I knew I was going to be in Germany in less than 5 days, I couldn't push myself to be at all excited. Deep down I knew I was, but all I could feel was the sadness of having to leave everyone, which is why I kept trying to remind myself why I was actually leaving.
The next morning was very hectic. It was my brother's first day of school after being homeschooled for a year and a half, so my parents and him were very overwhelmed with getting him out of the door on time, so much so that I didn't really actually get to say goodbye to him. Luckily, he had come in my room in the morning to give me a hug so we kind of consider that our goodbye, but he called me on the way to school to say how sorry he was for not saying goodbye and how much he was going to miss me. Although my brother and I aren't really super close (we are polar opposites in almost every single way) I knew I was going to miss him and all of his craziness. I'm hoping that after being away for a year, our relationship will be better for my senior year. Anyway, after dropping my brother off at school my dad came back to say goodbye to me. After he left for work my mom and I started working on getting everything ready to go. I procrastinated way too much (don't do this!!!) and only weighed my suitcase for the first time the night before I left. After getting rid of lots of my clothes, I had to reorganize my entire suitcase in the morning and figure out if there was anything else I needed. Although I'm pretty sure I have almost everything (everything that I can't buy at a nearby pharmacy) just the stress of feeling like I was going to forget something was enough to make the morning much harder than it needed to be.
After I was all packed up I grabbed some leftover chipotle and my mom and I went and got mani-pedis! It was super fun and it just feels good to know my nails look good before leaving because having gross looking toenails is not another thing that I want to have to worry about. On the way to the nail salon, I got an email saying I had been cleared to go to Germany, which was awesome! My participation had been up in the air since my eosinophilic esophagitis diagnosis so that was super nice to have off my chest. Then after mani-pedis, we were on our way to DC when we got a call from my pharmacy saying they had all 10 months of my medication ready to pick up. We originally didn't think we were going to be able to get it until later in the week and that my mom would have to drive it out to DC, but luckily we were able to pick up it up right before leaving. Then, we drove to DC. I said goodbye to my mom in the lobby of the hotel and that was my last goodbye. I'm sure if I had really tried to think about what was happening I would have burst into tears so I tried to think of it as goodbye for only a little while. It was sad, and the rest of the day I felt very homesick, but I tried my best to think of the next year, and to focus on having fun at orientation and getting excited about meeting my host family. The rest of the day was pretty rough but orientation was super fun for the rest of the 3 days, but i'll talk about that more in my next post :).
It was really really hard saying goodbye to everyone, and at first I thought I was the only person who was doubting my decision to leave, but I soon realized that there are plenty of people that have spent the last weekend crying their eyes out every night. It was super hard to say goodbye, but I'm also really excited to go, and orientation has been a great transition.
The next day I hung out with Ellsie for the first time since she got back from Switzerland and learned all of the details about her sudden departure. Basically, she had issues with her family and their views. She was offended by a lot of their comments and their beliefs, and they weren't super accommodating to her. The people at her school often made comments about her clothes and her body and because her German wasn't at the level where she could actually participate in class, many teachers just kicked her out and sent her to the library. After talking with the school (which didn't do anything about it) she asked AFS if she could switch to a different school in the town. The program told her that the school was full and so she asked if she could switch regions and families. The program told her that they could not find another family to host and advised that if she was still this unhappy after three weeks there that she should probably just go home. Although I know this was a horrible experience and I was so sorry that that had happened to her (because I know she was just as excited to go to Switzerland as I was to go to Germany), hearing her details actually gave me a little bit of relief. I thought I had vastly underestimated the difficulty of studying abroad and that Ellsie had simply decided to leave because being away from her family and friends was so hard. However, I know now that what was happening was an extreme case, and that I don't think it will happen while I am in Germany. Of course, I'm sure the same situation might happen with my school and my host family and I might not get along super well, but I'm pretty sure that since it is a state funded scholarship, the program is going to have to find me a new host family, and that going home won't be as much of an option. Also, I'm sure that from the conversations I've had with my family, our views seem pretty similar, and I don't think we'll have many disagreements on social/political issues the way that Ellsie did.
After getting breakfast with Ellsie and Jo, I went out with my family for our last meal together. Since my dad had a meeting on Tuesday, he wouldn't be able to come get brunch or drop me off in DC, and this way my brother was also included. We went to a restaurant called Golden West Cafe which had absolutely delicious food! I had a southwestern burrito and some pumpkin curry soup. We had a really nice brunch and I was able to window shop with my mom a little bit while we waited for a space to open up at the restaurant. Then, that night, I had my last going away dinner with my closest friends. Jo, since she is also going to Germany, spent the night with her family, and Kara was unable to get a ride so it was just Lily and Paul. It was actually really nice though because Lily, Paul, and I have been friends since 8th grade and so it was nice to reconnect as just our little trio. We went to Chipotle for dinner and then got some ice cream before going to the top of this apartment building that I often like to watch sunsets from. It was way past sunset but we were still able to see the Baltimore skyline all lit up and some other people on the roof took some pictures of all of us together. When I had to say goodbye it was really rough. These were my two of my closest friends who I was used to seeing every single day. After I said goodbye to them both I went back inside and sat with my mom. I almost started crying about how much I was going to miss Paul and Lily but I was able to keep it in. Although I was feeling all of these crazy emotions I tried to hold them in or ignore them as much as possible. I felt like if I actually tried to comprehend all of the emotions I was feeling it would not turn out well because I was feeling super super sad about leaving. Even though I knew I was going to be in Germany in less than 5 days, I couldn't push myself to be at all excited. Deep down I knew I was, but all I could feel was the sadness of having to leave everyone, which is why I kept trying to remind myself why I was actually leaving.
The next morning was very hectic. It was my brother's first day of school after being homeschooled for a year and a half, so my parents and him were very overwhelmed with getting him out of the door on time, so much so that I didn't really actually get to say goodbye to him. Luckily, he had come in my room in the morning to give me a hug so we kind of consider that our goodbye, but he called me on the way to school to say how sorry he was for not saying goodbye and how much he was going to miss me. Although my brother and I aren't really super close (we are polar opposites in almost every single way) I knew I was going to miss him and all of his craziness. I'm hoping that after being away for a year, our relationship will be better for my senior year. Anyway, after dropping my brother off at school my dad came back to say goodbye to me. After he left for work my mom and I started working on getting everything ready to go. I procrastinated way too much (don't do this!!!) and only weighed my suitcase for the first time the night before I left. After getting rid of lots of my clothes, I had to reorganize my entire suitcase in the morning and figure out if there was anything else I needed. Although I'm pretty sure I have almost everything (everything that I can't buy at a nearby pharmacy) just the stress of feeling like I was going to forget something was enough to make the morning much harder than it needed to be.
After I was all packed up I grabbed some leftover chipotle and my mom and I went and got mani-pedis! It was super fun and it just feels good to know my nails look good before leaving because having gross looking toenails is not another thing that I want to have to worry about. On the way to the nail salon, I got an email saying I had been cleared to go to Germany, which was awesome! My participation had been up in the air since my eosinophilic esophagitis diagnosis so that was super nice to have off my chest. Then after mani-pedis, we were on our way to DC when we got a call from my pharmacy saying they had all 10 months of my medication ready to pick up. We originally didn't think we were going to be able to get it until later in the week and that my mom would have to drive it out to DC, but luckily we were able to pick up it up right before leaving. Then, we drove to DC. I said goodbye to my mom in the lobby of the hotel and that was my last goodbye. I'm sure if I had really tried to think about what was happening I would have burst into tears so I tried to think of it as goodbye for only a little while. It was sad, and the rest of the day I felt very homesick, but I tried my best to think of the next year, and to focus on having fun at orientation and getting excited about meeting my host family. The rest of the day was pretty rough but orientation was super fun for the rest of the 3 days, but i'll talk about that more in my next post :).
It was really really hard saying goodbye to everyone, and at first I thought I was the only person who was doubting my decision to leave, but I soon realized that there are plenty of people that have spent the last weekend crying their eyes out every night. It was super hard to say goodbye, but I'm also really excited to go, and orientation has been a great transition.